Saw 2 former students outside gas station. gave me money to buy 2 12 packs, asked if I wanted to go to their party.
I told them I had a gf and took one of the 12 packs. Come over.
Texas should really raise its teaching standards.
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
talk of her extensive whoreness has crossed oceans. thats impressive.
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
Randomize
