You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
I hope you gays don't get too crazy after DOMA. Gay divorces aren't any better than straight ones.
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
Randomize