Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
Oh god it's open bar.
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
So I hung out with an australian but woke up with a British man in my bed does that make me culturalized
Randomize
