He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
You yelled "bananas are an excellent source of pottasium!"4 times in the middle of class. how do you not remember?
I don't even know what potassium is.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
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