i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
I think I'm going to die by hangover. I'm in my spanish class. So I guess I'm going to be muerte.
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
He said he doesnt believe in the female orgasm,so no I did not have sex with him.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
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