New word for getting laid so we don't sound like whores in public when we are talking about it : stamp the passport
I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
I think not having bongs in close range is good for my academia
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
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