I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
ok what kind of idiot turns down casual afternoon sex?
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
Randomize
