You're a womanizer and a bitch.
Helping a hot freshman girl move in = 2 hours of my life One bottle of cheap vodkas = $10 Watching her do the walk a shame on her first morning away from home = Priceless
ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
Randomize
