We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
Randomize
