I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
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