some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
Either that or he's gagged in a strangers trunk right now.
Well I suppose either way he's learning a pretty tough lesson right now.
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
Randomize