So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
I may be new to bar life, but full on grabbing my vag shouldn't happen...anywhere.
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
Randomize