This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
I just want a better ending for myself. Not walking around with one sock on and my bush hanging out.
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
he told me he liked me . I thought we were just fuck buddies . This ruins everything!
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
Randomize
