You up for the gym tonight after work?
I'm up for a light workout and a nice yog.
Fair enough, I'm gonna hit it hard today.
Chris Brown style, or less felonious?
Haha, all felonious.
I took Valium worth by frank. I squabble
Li shadha you vin. It's phot out. I just ate a fried Oreo
Wow my backseat really seemed a lot bigger when we were 16
Her bacne/racne was so bad it was like having sex with bubble wrap.
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
i'm gonna fuck his crew, i'm gonna wax my asshole. i'm gonna make them all cry tears of sex joy then move to colorado.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
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