I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
Dear god my vagina.
Well hell, he's gotta sleep in the bed he's made. Multiple times. For multiple girls I'm sure.
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