ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
my quiz for the book was only 2 questions and my one answer was sorry and then a sad face
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
I may puke in class so I'm excited to see how that goes
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
Randomize
