John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
i feel like im playing gay clue. i have to figure out where i am, who took me home, and what he put in me
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
