Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
Apparently she got a minor consumption for using vodka soak tapmons
Does that work!! Please say yes
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
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