I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
We are two peas in an std pod
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
My feet surprised me
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
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