I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
he just started chanting dark meat! dark meat! out of no where.
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
Randomize
