seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
I would be down to associate sex w taco bell
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
Randomize
