My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
Would the comment "Down Goes Frasier" be too inappropriate at this time?
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
Randomize
