Do you remember peeing on the wall and then yelling at us to stop looking at your dick?
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
I walked into my room to see them crying, watching hey arnold, and passing a franzia box back and forth...
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
Randomize
