OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
i walked into the first stall,, but there was no paper, so i'm in the other one. a little kid is in the one without paper now and is making a lot of noise. curious how this'll turn out for him.
States back in the final four. Now our sunday night drinking has purpose. Sparty on baby.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
just watched my roommates get stoned and jury rig a pulley system to pass the bowl back and forth across the room.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
Randomize
