She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
Below this exterior of ice is a layer of cum. Followed by a pool of gin. More cum. Then, finally a heart.
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
Randomize
