I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
friends don't put videos of other friends on youtube puking on their professor on the first day
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
I'm filtering his penis picture so I can see it better
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize
