Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
Just write off about 10000+ brain cells and 6 months of your lifespan.
Sounds like a normal friday night
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
ALL I WANT IN MY MOUTH IS A GLORIOUS COCK SMOTHERED IN CHOCOLATE. DICK AND CHOCOLATE; IS IT TOO MUCH FOR A GIRL TO ASK FOR?!
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