Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
Well, let's be honest here. You're dealing with gay guys... EVERYTHING has an emotional attachment.
i was laying in her brothers bed, in his old room. and i kept getting the chills. i didn't know if it was a draft or the ghosts of BJ's past.
No it was the best sex I've had in months. Nothing turns me on more than getting rid of a boyfriend.
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
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