if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
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