Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
No now hes going to beat me to our goal of getting someone to have sex in the library. I hate periods.
I don't know what to judge you more for.
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
He was having Sex and you yelled 'hot and dangerous!" and he responded with "if you're one of us then roll with us!" when he went to he bathroom I saw her getting dressed, looking mortified.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
Like I respect him so much I would suck his dick
In a very non respectful way
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
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