in vegas stuck in the middle of a pride right now
Pride?
thats a pack of cougars
go fuck yourself
I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
His cuteness will no longer contol my vagina
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
Randomize