i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
Tonight we are playing Scuba-Keg. Getting keg now. I'll explain when i get home.
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
Randomize
