i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
Sending a pic of labia to send to the TN Legislator. Obviously they don't think I know what to do with it so I'm gonna ask them for advice.
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
I currently don't understand fingers.
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
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