He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
dude are you gonna smoke tonight? my day was shit and I wanna get high
worker bees can leave....even drones can fly away....the queen is their slave
nevermind....I'm on the way
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
Randomize
