i wish starbucks made bloody marys
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
So she comes up to me at the end of the night and asks me if I going to take her home and fuck her. I pretty much had to right?
you had an obligation.
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
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