Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
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