This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
Its almost 1 am and u wanna get together and cry naked
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
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