I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
I'm just not sure how to initiate the "do you want to have sex with my boyfriend and I" conversation
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
Randomize
