The elaphant ear plant popped a new leaf ! Wahoo !
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
Randomize
