Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
No. Please No. At first it was cool when you started bring an extra girl home for me but after 2 cycles of clap medicine I'm putting an end to it.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
he's had a change of heart. and besides, we could use a laugh.
oh, well, if you all need a good laugh, by all means endanger my life.
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
Randomize
