I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
They glued all of the ceiling tiles shut.
oh my god. you caused complete remodeling to a college campus that you don't even go to
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
