my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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