a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
I wish you could order shots online.
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
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