this kid just came up to me and asked me if i wanted to play truth or aids with him and his friends. i'm in
apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
Happiness for him is a different happiness than you can supply cuz you have life standards, morals and goals that dont include the bar or beer everynight.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Randomize
