I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
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