Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
I rarely go in there. Unless it's for mini cadbury eggs and whiskey.
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
Randomize
