Well you will be happy to know that aaron carter hit on me
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Randomize
