is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
she scratched her sororities letters into my back when she was done. i think i was part of some sick game. sick twisted sexy game
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
Your topless pictures make me question reality
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
You are a lesbian wizard with red hair. You are willow
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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