I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
Randomize
