How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
No kidding. I just keep looking at that 'under 21 until 11/21/2011' on my id and whispering "soon enough"
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
Randomize
