i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
i mean hes a break dancing puerto rican, how do you think the sex was?
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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