took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
It took me four clicks to get to 2009 on his profile. This can't work.
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
I didn't notice because vodka
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
Would it be totally wrong, that in honor of princess leias death, I role played as her??
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
Randomize
