it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
No Robbie is the name of a kid or dog, not an adult man who's fucking you.
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
is leaving the club to fk in his friends van subtle?
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize