Do you think the new Crest Whitestrips Advance Seal would stay on while I give him head? It would be great to knock out 2 things at once...
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
