He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
My underwear smells like fireworks.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
You three are like the Bermuda Triangle for morals.
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
I'd cum for enchiladas.
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
This night could easily degenerate into a drunken haze of strippers and gambling, but I need a support network.
Randomize
