You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
