my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
We had sex on my friends waterbed ..after that the whole school kept asking him if he had fun getting "sea-sick" last night.
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
Randomize
