I love black thongs
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
Don't tell me wow. Tell me this is normal for college and in no way am I a whore.
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
Ive only seen a dude masterbate on a train twice, once on the Jtrain and once on the Ftrain... trust me you never wanna see where the subway turns around.
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
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