Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
What's the big deal? you guys fuck
3 times is my limit. I don't even want to know you exist after 3 times
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
Whatever. I just want to indulge in this mcchicken and forget all about his tiny penis.
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
Randomize
