Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Randomize
