I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
Please clarify that he is speaking of beer pong and not rough sex
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
