Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
Decided to go explore a half built apartment complex at 4 a.m and leave a 3 block obstacle course in the alley ways on the way home.
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
I think he is probably a psycho that will eventually murder me but i mean the sex last time was AWESOME.
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
Because 9 pm Thursday you drink a loco cause you just wanna get drunk and have a good time with your friends. Then you wake up on Tuesday and you've had 17 locos and you're pregnant, lying on the side of the road, 3 states over. THAT'S why we don't have only locos parties.
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
Randomize
