i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
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